I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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