i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
