Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
What a dumb baby whore.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
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