Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize