i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
