the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
