the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
