wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
