Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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