Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Go christen that room with your naked body.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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