he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
