I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize