We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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