I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
It was confusing and full of hummus
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
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