i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize