she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Randomize
