1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
