don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize