He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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