if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Randomize
