we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
