I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize