My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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