Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
