i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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