Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
