I met the friendliest cop last night
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
