you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
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