I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
