You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
