he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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