Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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