Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
