I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
