I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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