After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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