guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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