my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
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