Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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