Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
