A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
