Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
