did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Randomize
