I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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