You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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