God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
