I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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