watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
