I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize