there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Randomize
