The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
