Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
