Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
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