i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
