She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
