Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
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