drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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