Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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