end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
