New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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