I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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