3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
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