I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
