Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Randomize
