We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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