im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
